Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on December 31, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year.
Today’s Author is a blog designed to help get you off the couch and back to writing.
The rules are simple:
- List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
- Be as creative as possible.
To get this thing rolling, here are…
My 2014 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions
- I will NOT leave scores of opened cans of tuna around my apartment building hoping to attract feral cats to serve as my army of evil minions.
- I will NOT try to convince my kids that the manna referred to in the bible is actually cranberry sauce.
- I will NOT refer to my collection of fountain pens as my preciouses when we have people over.
- I will NOT attempt to experiment on the scientifically illiterate by professing the theory that the sense of smell is an illusion and the invention of the government.
- I will NOT amuse myself at cocktail parties by asking the males whether they have six fingers on their right hand.
- I will NOT try to advance my career by getting co-workers to refer to me as Red Five.
- I will NOT stop in my quest to change grammatical standards to mandate that punctuation go after the closing quotation ONLY when it makes mathematical sense.
- I will NOT, on the occasion of my 42nd Birthday, celebrate by walking around in a bathrobe and claiming to be the second coming of Arthur Dent.
- I will NOT do what the cans of Red Bull tell me to.
- I will NOT attempt to thwart the NSA by resurrecting my disastrous plans for the Analog Cell Phone.