My 2012 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2012 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT lobby Congress to change the national motto to “Riiiiiicolaaaaaaa.”
  2. I will NOT convince my kids that the DVDs I bought them are in the new FOOD-Ray format, which converts their TV into Taste-O-Vision.
  3. I will NOT introduce leitmotif into my home, by composing original themes for each cat and humming their assigned theme whenever they enter the room.
  4. I will NOT use my impending 40th birthday to begin my crusade to start the new tradition of Birthday Pie.
  5. I will NOT use my new status as an ordained minister of the FSM, to hang around the pasta bar and blessing the plates of strangers.
  6. I will NOT start a movement encouraging use of the upcoming “end of the world” as a way to clear up personal debt.
  7. I will NOT alter the kids birth certificates to list Gonzo the Great as their father so as to make them believe they are a new breed of Muppet hybrid.
  8. I will NOT attempt to convince the Pipe & Drum Band to add Harmonicas as an accompanying instrument.
  9. I will NOT, when it’s time to renew my phone contract, insist that they allow me purchase the secret intra-cranial smartphone that’s talked about in the “secret memo.”
  10. I will NOT start an email hoax insisting that the baking mixes for Yellow Cake, actually contain uranium.
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