My 2014 Anti-Resolutions

2014Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on December 31, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year.

Today’s Author is a blog designed to help get you off the couch and back to writing.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2014 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT leave scores of opened cans of tuna around my apartment building hoping to attract feral cats to serve as my army of evil minions.
  2. I will NOT try to convince my kids that the manna referred to in the bible is actually cranberry sauce.
  3. I will NOT refer to my collection of fountain pens as my preciouses when we have people over.
  4. I will NOT attempt to experiment on the scientifically illiterate by professing the theory that the sense of smell is an illusion and the invention of the government.
  5. I will NOT amuse myself at cocktail parties by asking the males whether they have six fingers on their right hand.
  6. I will NOT try to advance my career by getting co-workers to refer to me as Red Five.
  7. I will NOT stop in my quest to change grammatical standards to mandate that punctuation go after the closing quotation ONLY when it makes mathematical sense.
  8. I will NOT, on the occasion of my 42nd Birthday, celebrate by walking around in a bathrobe and claiming to be the second coming of Arthur Dent.
  9. I will NOT do what the cans of Red Bull tell me to.
  10. I will NOT attempt to thwart the NSA by resurrecting my disastrous plans for the Analog Cell Phone.
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My 2013 Anti-Resolutions

2013Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on January 1, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year.

Today’s Author is a new blog designed to help get you off the couch and back to writing.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2013 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT introduce myself to potential employers as prisoner 24601.
  2. I will NOT attempt to organize the Squirrels around my apartment into a guerilla force to intimidate the woodpeckers around the next building–no matter how cute they would look in fatigues.
  3. I will NOT try to capitalize off the newly-confirmed existence of the Higgs-Boson particle claiming that I coined the term God Particle.
  4. I will NOT attend climate change conferences in an attempt to promote my idea to fight the coming flood by creating a new continent entirely out of kitchen sponges.
  5. I will NOT make lunches in the cafeteria more interesting by pretending I am following orders from my Kindle.
  6. I will not greet new people I meet by asking them their name, quest and favorite color.
  7. I will NOT fill my fountain pen with dark red blood and insist that whenever I enter into agreement we each sign the contract in blood.
  8. I will NOT lobby the new Governor to make Cthulhu’s birthday a state holiday.
  9. I will NOT force my cats to wear the little tin foil hats I made for them, so that the government can’t read their thoughts.
  10. I will NOT retaliate against the constant thumping caused by the two small girls upstairs, by practicing with my drum kit, which is directly beneath their beds, at 2 am–no matter how much I really want to.

My 2012 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2012 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT lobby Congress to change the national motto to “Riiiiiicolaaaaaaa.”
  2. I will NOT convince my kids that the DVDs I bought them are in the new FOOD-Ray format, which converts their TV into Taste-O-Vision.
  3. I will NOT introduce leitmotif into my home, by composing original themes for each cat and humming their assigned theme whenever they enter the room.
  4. I will NOT use my impending 40th birthday to begin my crusade to start the new tradition of Birthday Pie.
  5. I will NOT use my new status as an ordained minister of the FSM, to hang around the pasta bar and blessing the plates of strangers.
  6. I will NOT start a movement encouraging use of the upcoming “end of the world” as a way to clear up personal debt.
  7. I will NOT alter the kids birth certificates to list Gonzo the Great as their father so as to make them believe they are a new breed of Muppet hybrid.
  8. I will NOT attempt to convince the Pipe & Drum Band to add Harmonicas as an accompanying instrument.
  9. I will NOT, when it’s time to renew my phone contract, insist that they allow me purchase the secret intra-cranial smartphone that’s talked about in the “secret memo.”
  10. I will NOT start an email hoax insisting that the baking mixes for Yellow Cake, actually contain uranium.

My 2011 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2011 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT try to get my kids to use rechargeable batteries by telling them that every time they throw away a regular battery an angel loses its wings.
  2. I will NOT try to free up spaces next to me on the bus by reading aloud from my Kindle version of The Anarchist’s Cookbook.
  3. I will NOT lobby the local school board to teach the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even though String Theory teaches us that at the sub-atomic level we are all rather noodly.
  4. I will NOT, assuming I earn my Kilt this year, bedazzle it so as to make myself more visible.
  5. I will NOT found a new religion with a bovine deity in an attempt to deduct my over-consumption of Red Bull from my taxes.
  6. I will NOT sink my savings into an attempt to have MTV Games add Kazoo Hero to their stable of video games.
  7. I will NOT legally change my name to Inigo Montoya so that I have a unique pick-up line to use when meeting women.
  8. I will NOT pursue my loves of science and writing by completing my draft of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Fusion in the Home.
  9. I will NOT announce myself at my friends’ doors with…Knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny.”
  10. I will NOT go an entire year without using question marks, while mocking my friends because of their use of mongrel punctuation.

My 2010 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve not to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get thing rolling, here are…

My 2010 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  • I will not free up room to take in borders by convincing my kids to sleep in more “convenient” places—like the oven or bathtub.
  • I will not try to spice up the Winter Olympics in my house, by convincing each family member that they were adopted from various cold-weather countries.
  • I will not open job interviews by asking if I should have listed my RockBand Drum skills on my resume.
  • I will not try to push day-glo sombreros as the next fashion trend.
  • I will not hang around the seafood section of the grocery store trying to convince the patrons to throw their “catches” back.
  • I will not attempt to create balance in the universe by making only left hand turns.
  • I will not try to addict my kids to crystal-meth in order to take wagers on who can resist the longest.
  • I will not try use my old boxer shorts as material for a “more interesting” type of quilt.
  • I will not try to become famous by faking an Easter Bunny sighting by supplying a fake pelt as evidence.
  • I will not use the ridiculous number of Slurpees I buy as justification to initiate a hostile takeover of the nearby convenience store.

Originally posted on where six writers talk about the trials and tribulations of their writing lives. And each Tuesday the soapbox belongs to me.

2009 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

I know it’s not quite the new year yet, but as it’s my last post of 2008 I thought it a good time for my annual New Year’s Anti-Resolutions.

These are really more of a writing exercise than real resolutions—a way to get the new year off to a creative start. Although, if you do it right, these resolutions should be a breeze to keep.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve not to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.
  • Post them on your blog and leave a link in your comment below.

To get thing rolling, here are…

My 2009 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will not get my kids hooked on coffee in an attempt to keep them little by stunting their growth.
  2. I will not post my daughter in a fake auction on eBay, just to see how much I could get for her.
  3. I will not go to the library and put misleading, handwritten notes in the margins of books to throw off other researchers.
  4. I will not propagate an internet hoax alleging that our new president’s speeches contain secret advertising messages sold to US companies as a way to help fight the recession.
  5. I will not try to convince my kids to punch up their essays for school through liberal use of the elusive seventh vowel.
  6. I will not advocate the use of disposable batteries to create home electroshock therapy kits.
  7. I will not subject the world to the recipe for tofu chip cookies.
  8. I will not preach belief in the ancient Norse Gods as a way to return to Family Values.
  9. I will not teach my six-year-old how to play craps so that he can hustle his classmates to supplement his lunch allowance.
  10. I will not fake disturbing conversations over my Bluetooth headset in public, as a way of determining who is eavesdropping.

This post was originally posted on Write Anything
where six writers talk about the trials and
tribulations of their writing lives. And each
Tuesday the soapbox belongs to me.