My 2011 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

• List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
• Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2011 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

1. I will NOT try to get my kids to use rechargeable batteries by telling them that every time they throw away a regular battery an angel loses its wings.
2. I will NOT try to free up spaces next to me on the bus by reading aloud from my Kindle version of The Anarchist’s Cookbook.
3. I will NOT lobby the local school board to teach the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even though String Theory teaches us that at the sub-atomic level we are all rather noodly.
4. I will NOT, assuming I earn my Kilt this year, bedazzle it so as to make myself more visible.
5. I will NOT found a new religion with a bovine deity in an attempt to deduct my over-consumption of Red Bull from my taxes.
6. I will NOT sink my savings into an attempt to have MTV Games add Kazoo Hero to their stable of video games.
7. I will NOT legally change my name to Inigo Montoya so that I have a unique pick-up line to use when meeting women.
8. I will NOT pursue my loves of science and writing by completing my draft of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Fusion in the Home.
9. I will NOT announce myself at my friends’ doors with…Knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny.”
10. I will NOT go an entire year without using question marks, while mocking my friends because of their use of mongrel punctuation.