Posted in Anti-Resolutions, Featured, General Silliness, Writing

My 2014 Anti-Resolutions

2014Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on December 31, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year.

Today’s Author is a blog designed to help get you off the couch and back to writing.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2014 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT leave scores of opened cans of tuna around my apartment building hoping to attract feral cats to serve as my army of evil minions.
  2. I will NOT try to convince my kids that the manna referred to in the bible is actually cranberry sauce.
  3. I will NOT refer to my collection of fountain pens as my preciouses when we have people over.
  4. I will NOT attempt to experiment on the scientifically illiterate by professing the theory that the sense of smell is an illusion and the invention of the government.
  5. I will NOT amuse myself at cocktail parties by asking the males whether they have six fingers on their right hand.
  6. I will NOT try to advance my career by getting co-workers to refer to me as Red Five.
  7. I will NOT stop in my quest to change grammatical standards to mandate that punctuation go after the closing quotation ONLY when it makes mathematical sense.
  8. I will NOT, on the occasion of my 42nd Birthday, celebrate by walking around in a bathrobe and claiming to be the second coming of Arthur Dent.
  9. I will NOT do what the cans of Red Bull tell me to.
  10. I will NOT attempt to thwart the NSA by resurrecting my disastrous plans for the Analog Cell Phone.
Posted in Anti-Resolutions, General Silliness, Writing

2009 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

I know it’s not quite the new year yet, but as it’s my last post of 2008 I thought it a good time for my annual New Year’s Anti-Resolutions.

These are really more of a writing exercise than real resolutions—a way to get the new year off to a creative start. Although, if you do it right, these resolutions should be a breeze to keep.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve not to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.
  • Post them on your blog and leave a link in your comment below.

To get thing rolling, here are…

My 2009 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will not get my kids hooked on coffee in an attempt to keep them little by stunting their growth.
  2. I will not post my daughter in a fake auction on eBay, just to see how much I could get for her.
  3. I will not go to the library and put misleading, handwritten notes in the margins of books to throw off other researchers.
  4. I will not propagate an internet hoax alleging that our new president’s speeches contain secret advertising messages sold to US companies as a way to help fight the recession.
  5. I will not try to convince my kids to punch up their essays for school through liberal use of the elusive seventh vowel.
  6. I will not advocate the use of disposable batteries to create home electroshock therapy kits.
  7. I will not subject the world to the recipe for tofu chip cookies.
  8. I will not preach belief in the ancient Norse Gods as a way to return to Family Values.
  9. I will not teach my six-year-old how to play craps so that he can hustle his classmates to supplement his lunch allowance.
  10. I will not fake disturbing conversations over my Bluetooth headset in public, as a way of determining who is eavesdropping.

This post was originally posted on Write Anything
where six writers talk about the trials and
tribulations of their writing lives. And each
Tuesday the soapbox belongs to me.