I Miss My Papa

As of yesterday, my Papa has been gone for 19 years. I phrase it that way because it seems a little morbid to refer to “anniversaries” of someone’s death. Anyway, I tried not to think about it too much, but I couldn’t seem to shake a low-grade funk all day.

I miss him. It’s such a simple thing to say, but to truly miss someone is a concept we don’t often take the time to understand. When I say I miss him, I don’t just mean that I wish he were still alive. I mean that there are things I’d like to do with him that I can’t. I would like to introduce him to his grandkids (he wouldn’t care about the “step-” any more than I do).

I would like to hear his voice again. I’ve now lived longer without him, than with, and I can’t really remember what he sounded like. I remember him being a very good singer. I was blessed with both parents being exceptionally gifted in the vocal department, and was always being dragged around to different functions (church, barbershop and whatnot) and singing was an integral part of our lives. So it is something fundamental when I say I miss his voice.

I would like him to tease me about my hair going grey (and going away). I would like his advice on parenting.

One of the things I regret most about him dying so young, was that I never got to take him to dinner. I remember the first time I took my Mom to dinner. It wasn’t preplanned that I would pay, but when the bill came I took it, and she didn’t fight. It’s subtle but meaningful step in the relationship between a child and their parent. And I never got to do that with him.

None of this resolves anything. I still miss him, and I guess I always will. And I don’t have a problem with that.

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. Flag Gazer says:

    I completely understand – each day is marked by a homesickness that is ever lurking.

    Many years ago, when my Mom passed on, a friend told me that it never went away, that she still ‘reached for the phone’ when anything good or bad happened, and it had been 25 years for her.

    How grateful I am to have had a parent I am still homesick for after all of these years!

    Really like the new blog!!! Great look!

    Like

  2. i miss my dad, also. he dies at 59 and I was a wee lad of 24 then. I now treasure the time that has been extended to me to support and care for my mom (89) and to honor his memory by treating her well.

    good to see you again, and looking so fit. when I am not working on my tree house, I am writing a few things again. and paddling my kayak on our mountain lake… life is so good.
    ps. we will never forget what you did with project 2996, it was a great deed! Thank you

    Like

  3. Jane says:

    I understand your feelings. I lost my dad in 1998 and my mom passed away just this past September. I miss them terribly. It is a strange feeling not to have a parent in this world. It is wonderful to have the wonderful memories of our parents. I am thankful for that as I’m sure you are.
    I like your new look and I look forward to checking in with you.

    Like

  4. paisley says:

    there are some things that are just never resolved,,, and shouldn’t be… i think a love like this,, is one of them….

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  5. Shelley says:

    My Dad died three months ago today. I miss him and find things so different now that he’s gone. I don’t know when I’ll stop missing him – or even if I will. But, I guess with time the pain will get less and less – or so they say.

    Like

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