Where Is My Towel?

My 2011 Anti-Resolutions

It’s time get the new year off to a creative start—and make some resolutions you’ll actually keep in the process.

The rules are simple:

  • List ten things you resolve NOT to do in the upcoming year.
  • Be as creative as possible.

To get this thing rolling, here are…

My 2011 New Year’s Anti-Resolutions

  1. I will NOT try to get my kids to use rechargeable batteries by telling them that every time they throw away a regular battery an angel loses its wings.
  2. I will NOT try to free up spaces next to me on the bus by reading aloud from my Kindle version of The Anarchist’s Cookbook.
  3. I will NOT lobby the local school board to teach the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even though String Theory teaches us that at the sub-atomic level we are all rather noodly.
  4. I will NOT, assuming I earn my Kilt this year, bedazzle it so as to make myself more visible.
  5. I will NOT found a new religion with a bovine deity in an attempt to deduct my over-consumption of Red Bull from my taxes.
  6. I will NOT sink my savings into an attempt to have MTV Games add Kazoo Hero to their stable of video games.
  7. I will NOT legally change my name to Inigo Montoya so that I have a unique pick-up line to use when meeting women.
  8. I will NOT pursue my loves of science and writing by completing my draft of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Fusion in the Home.
  9. I will NOT announce myself at my friends’ doors with…Knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny”, knock, knock, knock, “Penny.”
  10. I will NOT go an entire year without using question marks, while mocking my friends because of their use of mongrel punctuation.
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7 comments on “My 2011 Anti-Resolutions

  1. dragonslayer
    December 31, 2010

    I so enjoy reading your anti-resolutions. they’re so funny. but I especially like #1. i just watched It’s a Wonderful life last Christmas.

    and mongrel punctuation? ha ha. Wish I’m half as funny and inventive as you are. :)

    Like

  2. Alannah Murphy
    January 1, 2011

    No. 7 is hilarious :-)
    Happy New Year

    Like

  3. Shelli
    January 1, 2011

    Hilarious! Although I am very disappointed in #4. Who can resist bedazzling?

    Like

  4. Laura Rachel Fox
    January 2, 2011

    Funny stuff here.

    I think you should reconsider #3. It sounds like you have a case or at least enough for a media frenzy.

    Like

  5. Annie
    January 3, 2011

    Shreeeeeek out loud with” Inigo Montoya”……….

    Like

  6. Matt Robb
    January 8, 2011

    OK I really liked #1 and #2, but I LOVED #7.

    You see, I just saw that movie for the first time about a week ago. There was just something about that line in the movie that was magically humorous and memorable.

    Like

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This entry was posted on December 31, 2010 by in Anti-Resolutions, Featured, General Silliness, Writing.

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